Worst School Scenario: Day 1

Scenario: You're running late for school. On this day, your alarm clock didn't go off because Daniel came to your house and bashed it with a hammer. You miss the bus. On the way out, a seam splits in your backpack. Your homework falls out. And on cue to Murphy's law, your dog comes in and eats it. Now you think, "Oh feces, my teacher isn't going to believe that!". But you have more pressing matters on your mind, you must get to school. Today is the English final. With a groan, you remember that the homework you lost was Ms. Cheng's, your obscenely strict Asian English teacher. What are you to do? How will you get to school on time, with 20 miles and 2 minutes left? Then how will you get your homework done, before your teacher re-arranges the general shape of your buttocks with her paddle? Time is running out!

Solution: You probably value the shape of your buttocks, and wish to enjoy a wince-free life, and the un-rawness of your rear end brings out the best in people. An idea suddenly strikes you, albeit a painful one. Nevertheless, you take your emo brother's 210 deluxe knife set, and select the pointiest one. Trying not to think about the pain you will be experiencing in a few moments, you plunge the knife and slit, slit, slit. No effect whatsoever. You ponder, and it comes in a flash. You cut your carotid artery, shame on you. You should've remembered that you have no brain to damage. Fuming, you decide to take some theater advice. You proceed to break a leg, literally. You thrust open the window of the second story, and jump out, trying to land on your feet, fracturing that area of the body, and no lasting harm done. But only cats always land on their feet. Humans always land headfirst. Ouch. You crack your skull, and end up in the hospital critical list for 3 weeks. It was a painful procedure, and you lost 80 IQ points. Guess you're in the negatives now. But the deed was done, and you finished your homework! (and retained the shape of your butt cheeks)

(Do not try this at home.)